Wednesday, June 10

Thoughts from Days 12-16

Every night before I go to bed, I lock myself behind close doors. Literally. If I were ever a thief who got caught, I would now know what it feels like to be locked behind bars. The bars are there to protect me, to make me feel safe. It doesn’t. But that’s its purpose.

Every night I worry something is going to happen to me. Am I a worrier? Absolutely. I worry that everyone who sees me walking to and from work each day, recognizing my immigration status on their turf, knows I don’t belong here, and they’re out to teach me a lesson.

Every night I lie in bed, hearing the squeals of the mice in the attic above, and their tiny little paws scurrying around, and my heart begins to pound. I don’t like mice. Neither do the dogs. Their barking attests to that.

Every night I hear someone roaming up and down the street, shouting into their megaphone. I don’t know what’s being said, but I always fear it’s directed at me.

Every night I crawl into bed… and the dogs crawl in with me. Am I a dog person? Nope. But for the past 8 nights I have been. And for the next 3 I will be too. They may be small, but at least they provide me with some comfort. They can also get my heart racing in a matter of seconds. Any slight noise that’s not “usual” and they go off on a rampage.

Every morning I wake up to find a woman in my kitchen. She’s washing dishes, cleaning up “messes” that haven’t been made, because quite frankly I don’t hang out in that part of the house, but she’s there anyway, doing her job. Yesterday my clothes were nicely folded and placed perfectly on top of my suitcase. Today my towels and sheets were washed, and my bed neatly made. Who knew a house maid could be so divine?

I may have just terrified myself by watching the entire first season of LOST in a matter of days, alone, in a big house, where scary noises are made from the outside world. But hey, when it’s winter time in Africa, night falls at 5:30, and I’m all alone, what do you expect me to do? Feel completely safe and at ease?

While I'm worried about what is or isn't going to happen to me while I'm in Botswana, people in D.C. have things to worry about too. Like those who were at the Holocaust Museum today and had to deal with a crazy lunatic who open fired. Are we safe anywhere in this world? Not really. But with faith at least we can feel comforted.

One day I’ll grow up and act like an adult. I’ll deal with adult situations. My emotions will mature…like an adult. But that one day is not today, nor is it tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. Maybe in 16 days though…maybe.


AJ Candrian said...

That made me laugh. A lot. I'm not sure why. Still laughing.

JD said...

like the new banner.

umm. I'm guessing the megaphone dude is out to get you. All of your other fears are unsubstantiated and overblown.

Joy Candrian said...

You need to record the megaphone guy and ask someone what he's saying...I'd be so curious.
Love our daily chats. Glad you're not into dogs.

Brittany said...

If you're waiting to feel grown up, trust me, it will never happen! I don't feel grown up at all and I'm about to have a kid.

Alicia said...

oh my! you are awesome! so brave! what a story you will have.. : )
xoxox love ya!

Alicia said...

P.s. I did not know your sis was pregnant, I love how the family never ever tells me anything. I seriously find out all the info on blogs.. its sad